Post 12--Exhibit 3 Focus for the Future--Descriptive

For this assignment I had to write about a person that had an impact on my life. I enjoyed this topic because I wanted to write about my brother. We were always close so I thought it would be an easy topic. We have had so many events and past occurrences where have helped each other.

I had to begin brainstorming different times in my life where he helped me. Being in my senior year, I remembered him pushing me to decide what college to go to. Then I began to write my paper. Ideas kept coming to me so I did not stop writing.

After I had reread my paper, I decided that it had plenty of examples but not enough dialogue. I decided to throw in some dialogue to help along with the flow.

After Ms. Basko reviewed my paper she pointed to some things I could work on with this paper. This was including more descriptions, imagery, dialogue, sensory details  and showing not telling. I took this all into consideration when I  edited my paper. I added in sensory details and then I tried to ass more showing and less telling. These fixes in the paper allowed it to improve and made it easier to read. 

The feedback I received from Ms. Basko not only helped me on this paper but it will help me with papers I write in the future. This feedback helped me realize that I have made the same mistakes in this paper that I make in every single paper I ever write. This is a problem that I have worked on throughout the year.

Jimmy Nugent

Ms. Basko

Descriptive Draft

03/1/13

Focus for the Future

           

Siblings are something almost everyone has or had in their life. They can be the best friend or worst enemy. My brother was always my friend. We would fight but it was never serious. Many of my friends told me that they always fought with their siblings. My brother and I have always been close.  He has always been there to push me to my limits. He makes sure that I focus on my future. He said I have the ability to do whatever I put my mind to. I really believe in everything I do and that is because of his inspiring attitude. He is a great person and one that many could learn from. The stories I remember about him will last forever. He has a legacy that I will cherish.
Ever since I can remember my brother was always my role model. Going to his high school reunion is a memory I have always have in my head of him. He went to college after working hard every day. He would practice golfing in the backyard or go to the course. It really inspired me to work hard every day in football. I played for a while and was pretty good at it. As he went to college I drifted away from sports and hung out with my friends more. It made me always want to follow in his footsteps. he came back from college and got a nice, steady job. I was really proud of him.

My sixteenth birthday was the day my brother gave me bittersweet news. He said I could work at the golf course where he is head pro. I couldn’t wait to work with him but didn't want to lose my free time. He told me that I would come to find that having money is a great thing. That was another time he gave me a lesson. Saving money is something you will always cherish.

Picking out what college to go to is a big decision for many juniors and seniors. I had no clue where I wanted to go and what my major would be. I’d never really given thought to either one. Thats when I looked to my brother to direct me. One day when my brother came over, he forced me to get up and look at all the different places i could go. I had gotten my email flooded with letters from colleges giving me all the  information about them.

One specific school that caught my eye was University of South Florida. I had seen that name somewhere but I couldn't remember. Then it hit me. They play in the Big East conference against Syracuse. I always wanted to be able to watch Syracuse games. Going to this school would allow me to. It also had the Business Administration major I wanted. Ever since that day I was awaken to the real world. My brother really helped shape me in the right path. Now all I had to do was get my grades up save money up.

Seeing my brother succeed at golfing I always wanted to get better at a sport. For some reason, I chose basketball. I knew my brother was good at it because we had a basket in our front yard. He would always beat his friends but I was never really good at it. I asked him for help in my journey to the top. I knew that he could coach me into a better player. We went the YMCA after school every day for two weeks straight working on my fundamentals. Soon enough I was beating all of my friends. I could sense that they all envied my skills. I was really proud of all the effort I put into basketball. I knew he could teach me though. He always had a role model aspect to him. He always aspired to be the best he could.

Recently my brother has been looking for a house. It really made me realize how much success he actually has gained. He put hard work into golfing which lead to gto getting a scholarship for his college. Then he got out of college and found a well paying, steady job. Seeing him searching for a house made me realize how mature he was. He put in his offer for the house and it was accepted. It was a big move in his life. I could really see how happy he was. It has inspired me to work harder everyday.

The saying goes that you learn something new everyday. I believe that because my brother teaches me something everyday. I always had something to look forward to when I woke up. My life has been different since my brother has been there. I can’t wait to see what the future holds.